Why do so many men bring the size of their junk into the conversation. Sometimes this comes up before you even have a conversation. Yes I’m talking to you “hunglikeahorse” or “hugedaddy1965.” Yeah, I get it, you need to let me know you have big, working equipment. Maybe don’t put in your profile that you have unlimited access to viagra. That really is a F2F conversation and maybe only when I’ve seen you semi-nekkid!
So here are some random thoughts about male parts and online dating:
- It can be too big so don’t advertise that you’re hung like a porn star. I’ve seen plenty of porn and there are some very, very scary cocks out there (yes this comment works on multiple levels-think about it people!) Also, it’s more than OK to watch porn–porn can be very fun and give you some new ideas. If it’s good porn at least once you’ll think–how the hell are you putting THAT there? Pornhub is my go-to place for lovely, sexy and naughty stuff.
- Don’t send me pics/video of your junk unless requested. Most women are trying very hard to balance society’s view of us. It’s hard to be an angel and a whore at the same time and we don’t know how to react to you sending us those photos. Am I supposed to be thrilled and say yay–thanks for the dick pic–I’m so turned on! Or am I supposed to be angelic and say–what’s that? I’ve never seen one of those before but I’m intrigued. Here’s a good article about when you should send a dick pic from Jezebel. And for the record, I received an unsolicited dick pic just this morning and it’s NOT the first one. I’ve figured out that with the new technology men are total exhibitionists–they want everyone to look at their no-no parts!
- Don’t make any references to sex the first few times we message, please! We will get there eventually but I’m kind of a fan of a little romance. At least pretend you want more from me than the quintessential roll in the hay. I’m a girl, I can laid whenever I want. What I can’t seem to get is a man who is on board with making me feel special because I am insanely special (read that any way you want–one-of-a-kind, bat shit crazy, whatever but I am unique).
- Don’t be embarrassed if you need some help in the “getting it up” department. We all need a little help sometimes and lots of men in their 40s take something so we can have fun many times. It’s OK, I understand that sometimes you want to ride the roller coaster again and you don’t want to wait in line so by all means, take the blue pill, not the red pill. Yes, that’s a Matrix reference. Did I mention I’m insanely in love with Keanu Reeves? Come over for dinner Keanu–please!
- Why do men use different words for their junk? It tells me something by how you refer to it. If you call it a dick, you’re old school. If you call it a cock, you have a naughty side to you and likely have watched porn. If you call it a prick, you are a prick. If you give it its own name, you’re egocentric and way too involved with it. Here’s a great article that covers names for penises. Warning, some of them are highly offensive and pretty gross.
No matter how you advertise it or what you call it, women worship it. But maybe learn my last name before you tell me about your porno worthy junk and also some flowers would be great too. Oh screw it, just bring wine and then you can show me Bob the wondercock:-)