Why are women so passive aggressive?

Last time I wrote about men being aggressive so turnabout time! Women are just so damn passive aggressive and yes I include myself in that statement. In fact, I’m the queen of passive-aggressive land! I wear the crown quite proudly. When you add men into the mix of communication, things become complicated and most of the time I don’t think men pick up on hints because that’s really what being passive aggressive is all about. I am not advocating being passive aggressiveness at all. We should ALL be more assertive but it’s very hard to unlearn something that society has shoved down your throat since you could swallow.

20-of-the-most-passive-aggressive-people-of-all-time-3

As little girls we are taught to be nice so we learn to be passive aggressive at a very young age. Maybe it’s time we say fuck that and embrace the fact that we get to be angry or at the very least, we get to say what we want. Many of my male friends complain that women won’t say what they want when directly asked and I kind of agree with that (sorry ladies, but you know I’m right, please don’t take away my vagina, I love her. I even named her.)

Here are some examples of passive aggressiveness at its best. These are culled from my own experiences and my friends. I’ve changed names to protect the not-so-innocent.

  1. He asks her if she wants to go to the movies. She says there isn’t anything she wants to see. What it really means: I’m fucking tired and I want to lay on the couch and watch a chick show while you rub my feet you inconsiderate ass!
  2. He asks her if she wants to try a different sex position. She says maybe after we know each other a little better. What it really means:  I’m not a gymnast and I can’t put my legs over my head. It can also mean that she really doesn’t think he can handle the new position as he hasn’t mastered missionary for fuck’s sake and that’s the easiest goddamn position of them all.
  3. He asks her if it’s OK if he goes out with the guys even though he had plans with her. She says sure honey. What it really means:  Absolutely not fucktard! I did my hair and make-up and took three hours to plan what I was wearing. I already wrestled on my spanx, including breaking a nail while doing so so that you would think I’m beautiful and sexy and you want to go out with Biff, Arnie and Chuck? I’m just going to end up cleaning up vomit, putting you to bed and listening to you fart all night long.
  4. He tells you he might want to date other people just to be sure you are meant for one another. She says OK. What it really means: It is not OK and I assume you think you can do better so you’re just going to keep me around in case you realize you cannot do better than me. Here’s a clue for you pal, you can’t do better but by all means try. I on the other hand am going to find a man who isn’t a chicken shit dick. If you want to date other people, then just straight up tell me and yes, you might get dumped by me but that’s the chance you take.
  5. He tells you something mean spirited and then says he was only joking. She smiles. What it really means: That is my angry smile. Yes, women have an angry smile. If you get the angry smile, you should run away because I’m about to get hostile.

I teach communication and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that communicating in a mainly passive aggressive manner just means you’re going to be angry and pissed all the time. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t ask. And yes, you might argue more by being honest and asking for what you want, but so what? It’s normal to argue. If a couple tells you they don’t argue, they are either straight up lying or they live in Stepford, USA! Women need to be more assertive to their needs. I like this chart that straight up advocates for being assertive. Women need to learn it, men grew up knowing how to do it so it often falls to women to make sure the relationship has a healthy dose of assertiveness for both parties!paa

This week I want you to practice being more assertive and also calling others out when they are being passive aggressive. The world would be a better place if we all just said what we wanted. paa2

Advertisements

Why are men so aggressive these days?

download

Men are more aggressive these days and it is not a good thing. This idea stems from something that happened to me that I am finding quite troubling. Here is the story: I had ONE date with a man that I thought might be datable. We literally had exactly two hours of facetime. I knew within 5 minutes of meeting this guy that it was not going to work. I wasn’t attracted to him and we didn’t really have the same sense of humor. I politely told him at the end of the date that it was not going to work. I don’t believe in wasting time and I was not unkind in any way. I just told him that I knew we would not click but that I thought he was a very nice guy and I hoped he finds love. We were Facebook friends and after that he unfriended me which I completely get.

Fast forward six months. I hear from this guy, let’s call him “dickhead.” Dickhead sends me a message via FB messenger that says “I can’t stop thinking about you.  Can you do something about that?” I did not reply. As far as I was concerned, we did not need to communicate again. I already knew he wasn’t for me. He proceeded to send me six more messages that I did not respond to. Seriously dude, get a clue. Then it’s Sunday morning and I get the following message “I bet your pussy tastes incredible.” Yes, THAT actually happened, I can’t make this shit up. I was flabbergasted and did not block him right away because I had plans that day and it hadn’t really sunk in . Later that day he sent a message that said “well was I right?” So no chance he was super drunk from St. Pat’s day and just made an incredibly stupid choice. Before anyone comments, yes, of course I blocked him after that and reported him to fb but I have little hope of that misogynistically run company doing anything.

First of all, I am sooooooo offended he thought that was OK to send that to me. It absolutely was not. Keep in mind I have not ever kissed this guy or even held his hand. Why in god’s name would you think that’s OK? And what the fuck did he expect to happen? Hey, yeah dude it tastes incredible so please come over and eat me out now! And the worst part is this is a 50-year-old man, NOT a teenager. He also has a daughter. I was very tempted to say “how would you like it if a man sent that to your daughter?” Or maybe I’ll send that message to your daughter so she knows how disgusting her dad is?

I told my male friend Chris about this and he said to me, “Men are more aggressive, haven’t you figured that out?” And he’s right. Men are more aggressive. I don’t know if it’s because we have a president who approves of this type of shit or because feminism is strong and flourishing, but whatever the reason, it gives me pause and I am concerned. I actually considered getting a restraining order so when he kills me the cops will have a trail to follow. Why do men think it is OK to be more aggressive these days? It is NOT! His message was aggressive and completely disrespectful. And I’ll bet he has no idea why I blocked him.

I am a human being that has different parts but I am not your property, a whore or someone who thinks it’s clever when you demean me. And that’s exactly what he did. He made me feel unsafe. You don’t get to do that! And I seriously am worried. We were FB friends so he knows my first and last name. It’s not like he can’t figure out where I live. I want all men to know that when you do this type of shit, you take away my sense of safety from me and that is not cool. Don’t be aggressive. I respect you as a man more when you show empathy and kindness because it takes a real man to do that. Any man can act like a sex-crazed, dickhead. I hope he reads this and feels like the tool he is. He can burn in hell.

I also hope you ladies don’t have to go through this, but I suspect it happens way more than I would like to know. Be safe out there ladies and if you come across an aggressive man, get the fuck out!

Why sex is like an amusement park

The world is a gross place these days so I thought it is time for a fun post. I love word play (also foreplay), analogies and metaphors to explain how things are to people. For me, sex is very much like an amusement park. Here’s why:

  1. You must be this tall to ride this ride! I’m sorry to shorter men but I do love me a tall drink of water. I’ve only dated someone shorter than me once and he had all kinds of issues, including the damn Napoleon complex. He wouldn’t let me wear heels because of his issues. Ever since that encounter, I have gravitated to men at least 6 feet tall. My friend with benefits is pretty damn tall so I use him as the benchmark for the perfect height. I want to be on my tippy toes when we hug and kiss because it gets my endorphins going. download

2. You may get wet during the ride. Sex can be messy so you should expect to get all wet and sweaty. I don’t mean drowning-in-a-swimming-pool wet but if the sex is good, ummmm, wetness kind of comes with the territory so be prepared to get wet and also to sleep in the wet spot. And don’t get grossed out by my bodily fluids and I’ll do the same!

3.  Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride.  This is for your safety. If we are getting busy at my house, there’s a good chance the dog will be watching because she’s a voyeuristic pervert. If your arms and legs hang outside of the bed, she will lick them because she likes the taste of sex stuff. I know, I know, it’s gross. She’s a bit of a freak like her mama.

download (1)
Wtf are you doing to my mom?

4.  Take the viagra because sometimes you want to ride the roller coaster twice and you don’t want to wait in line. Waiting in line is the worst, especially for the ride you’ve been fantasizing about all day. Men in their 40s and above sometimes need help in the repeat department. Should you be embarrassed about this? Fuck no! I absolutely will not think less of you if you need a penis pill to complete the job. I need help in the getting in the mood department sometimes and I embrace by vibrator and lube as tools of the trade. Do whatever you need to so we can both have several climaxes, I’m cool with that. I’ll also make you a sandwich after if I reach a happy ending at least twice. And not a shitty sandwich, a really good one!

5.  If you have a heart condition, you should not ride. Seriously, I’m a woman in her 40s, we are all horny, little devils in our 40s. It’s why that whole Mrs. Robinson thing happens. But I don’t want to kill you with sex. OK, maybe a little because you can tell people that and it really adds to your street cred. Imagine being at a party and someone asking about your last relationship and you say you banged him to death. Yeah, imagine the look on people’s faces!

6.  Secure all loose articles. If we do things right, then anything not nailed down will go flying. I mean if you have change in your pocket and then it falls out during foreplay, well, I don’t want a quarter to accidentally reside in the crack of my ass. Also if you’re going to pay me, I take paypal like all normal people now and it’s going to cost you wayyyyyyyy more than a quarter.

7.  Do not board the ride impaired. If you try to board this ride impaired, I’m guessing there will be technical difficulties anyway. You can be a little impaired but if you can’t name and label at least three of my woman parts, well, I’ll close the ride down immediately.

8.  Remain seated in the ride until it comes to a complete stop and you are instructed to exit. There’s a few reasons for this. You might finish before me and I get to enjoy the ride fully too (yes, I get to have an orgasm or two or 12). Also exiting the ride is a bit of a game of Twister. If I extricate myself correctly no matter what position, then there won’t be a wet spot on the bed and we will both sleep in dry, happy bliss.

9.  Always use the safety equipment provided. Yep, I’m a fan of safe sex and I will provide the condom but you have to use it. Also pay attention to my safe words we have or generally anything else that is for our own safety. If I tell you to stop, then stop. Simple right?

10.  Never force anyone to ride attractions they don’t want to ride. Duh….this should be a no brainer. Don’t try to talk me into sleeping with you if I said no because I actually meant no. I have been pretty lucky in my life where I have men that respect me and never crossed the line. I know others that are not so lucky. If the amusement park closes because of inclement weather (monthly blues) or technical difficulties (I don’t feel like it so back off asshole), well that’s it, the park is closed until further notice. Refunds will not be given.

11.  Avoid restricted areas. This is for your safety. Restricted areas for me include but are not limited to: the poop chute, my toes, my armpits. Everything else is open for riding. If you try to go into the restricted areas, you will likely get kicked in the nuts for being a total fuckwad and not following the rules.

12. Hydrate and refuel. If we are going to be at the amusement park all day, then we both need to drink plenty and eat for sustenance. We can do all this while in bed so we don’t lose momentum. It’s kind of a turn-on to eat Chinese food naked in bed with your lover. Or at least is for me. Let’s also say that Taco Tuesday has a new meaning for me although trying to eat tacos in bed can get messy and keep the hot sauce away from sexy parts!

13.  Enjoy yourself. This is the most important rule to follow! Amusement parks are fun and thrilling and a great way to enjoy yourself. If you come to my amusement park, well, I want you to leave thinking “that was a pretty damn good day. I’d like to go back to the amusement park.” Play your cards right and I’ll even give you a season pass:-)

images

An open letter to Parkland students

An open letter to Parkland students:

Your bravery and resolve inspires me. You have taken a tragedy and turned into a cause. There will be people who will tell you your opinion does not matter, but it does. It actually matters more than others because you have lived through a mass shooting. I experienced one too and I know how much that experience will change you and guide you. You are the voice of a generation that has been labelled as selfish, but I know that is not true. All you ever wanted was to go to school and learn without the possibility of being gunned down. You are true heroes because you are willing to put yourselves out there for what you believe in. Don’t you dare give up! You are powerful beyond your wildest dreams. I understand you are taking on forces that are inherently evil and powerful and yet you choose to make your voices heard. You can make a difference. You are the very essence of good and you should be able to speak your piece without anyone threatening you or belittling you. You give me hope that this country can heal and do what is necessary to make sure no one is ever shot in a school, a place of education. I stand with you as do many Americans. I love my country but I need the children of this country to be safe. I will defend your right to protest and ask for changes and I think many other Americans will as well. I stand with you, I believe in you and your cause and I think you are brave, regardless of your age. You keep trying to get Congress and legislators to hear you. You speak loud and often and I will speak and scream with you if necessary. You are the very reason that we should stand up for your rights. You are what makes me smile when people ask what’s so great about America? You are. Don’t you give up ever. I support you and frankly, America needs you. Make people hear about the change that is needed. Change our culture. Be the voice of reason because right now the adults are idiots. I am so sorry you had to see what you did. I am sorry your childhoods were stolen and you had to be adults way too soon. I am sorry that we could not protect you. I am hopeful that you will be the ones who lead the way. And I am putting others on notice, you do not get to silence these students. They get to say their piece and you will listen. They know way better than you what it means to experience a mass shooting. They have seen the carnage and bodies and blood so you have to listen to them. If you don’t, well you’re not really an American.

Much love,

A concerned citizen and a professor

Messages from potential suitors: The good, the bad and the downright weird

One of the joys of the online dating site is the responses you receive. I’ve created different categories of these for your viewing pleasure. I think lots of men need help with how to formulate their responses. So I am gong to provide you with some examples of what to do and what not to do. Let’s start with what not to do. Some of these examples are worthy of being the Prick of the Week and you do not want that title.

  1. Send pervy messages that you think are sexy. Please see my response to this dickhead.sext
  2. Send weird messages that make me think you’re doing crystal meth while online. weird1weird3I mean seriously–wtf! I’m already crazy so I’m not really attracted to uber-crazy!
  3. Send religious messages even though my profile clearly states I’m a damn atheist!cheesygodlineNot to mention this has the ramblings of a religious zealot psychpath! No thank you. Ever.
  4. Send me a million messages that I never respond to as in you need to get a fucking clue idiot. You are not going to wear me down so take a hint porn star and stop fucking messaging me. getacluegive up alreadyclueless.PNG
  5. Send me messages asking to do drugs with you. Just because I’m in academia doesn’t mean I get high all the time. And yes, my dream man is a drug user who likely does not have a good job and just sits around getting stoned all the time. I’m not in college anymore so that’s not really appealing. drug guydrugsNow here are some messages that I think are clever or funny or demonstrate you read my profile. In the “interests” part of my profile, I put boogers  as one of my interests. Yep, that’s right boogers. If someone references that I know they read my profile closely.
  6. This is definitely a pick up line but I think it’s clever as hell. Using humor to connect with someone is a really good idea. It tells me that you do indeed have a sense of humor.funnyHere is another message that I thought used humor quite well and it was a compliment. funny2This doesn’t really make sense but still, I thought it was funny. funny3.PNG
  7. These messages are sweet and respectful and show you bothered to read my profile. Respect is kind of important. Just because I am on an online site doesn’t mean you can treat me like shit or even worse, a prostitute. I know I’ve never been married but I’m not desperate, I’m picky actually. respectsweet3niceoneon the cuspreadprofileIt says in my profile that you must know the difference between your and you’re so I thought this response was pretty great!

In general, if you are going to respond to my profile, read the entire fucking thing and don’t be pervy. Show me some respect and try to be unique. I usually won’t respond to  plain old hi or hey sexy or what are you doing beautiful. Think of that first message as you showing me who you are and put some effort into it. I always respond to someone who takes the time to craft a good message, even if I am not interested in them. So the next time you think abut sending someone a boring, generic message, think again please and allow them to see who you really are. You will get way more responses and possibly, gasp…a date.

The fine line between romantic and creepy

There’s a very, very fine line between being romantic and being creepy! And by fine I mean like a hair’s width! It amazes how some men have absolutely no clue about something they are doing that’s creepy. I tell my male friends that they should really run shit past me before they do it and I will let them know if they need to reign in the creepy shit. It’s pretty easy in this day and age to stalk someone and stalking is so definitely creepy.

images.jpg

So I’ve made you a chart with real-life examples to help you understand what’s romantic and what’s creepy as all fuck!

ROMANTIC CREEPY
Bringing me a single lily on our first date because roses are so cliché Dropping off flowers on my front porch when we haven’t even met yet. I’m pretty sure that violates stalking laws. It’s NOT cute you figured out where I live, it’s disturbing!
Telling me I am beautiful AFTER you’ve met me at least once and we’ve had good conversation. Telling me I’m beautiful before we met based on three photos and a couple conversations. You don’t know me at all until we have that face-to-face meeting.
Asking me to meet you somewhere weird and cool like the Morton Arboretum for our first date Asking me to meet you at your house for our first date. You come off as a total egomaniacal,  pseudo-serial killer who thinks that I will sleep with you or let you kill me. No thanks, I’ve seen enough Lifetime Movies to know how that shit is going to end. I’ll be chained up in your basement or my head will be frozen in your freezer or I’ll find a receipt for a shitload of hydrochloric acid and a giant bath tub!
You ask me out for the day before or after Valentine’s Day. No pressure at all but still sweet. You insist on going out for V-Day and make a huge deal of it including getting us a hotel room. Ummmm, no!
You post on my social media. You stalk me and get all possessive on my social media.
You hint that my ass would look good in a thong. You buy us matching thongs.
Paying attention to what I say and remembering things that are important to me. Grilling my friends and family about me.
Setting up a romantic evening including making me dinner, rubbing my feet and maybe drawing me a bath. You’ll likely get laid—just saying. Surprising me by trying to re-create Fifty Shades of Grey. That book was terrible and the BDSM in that book is stupid and not what the BDSM community is about.
You take me to a book store. Books and reading are sexy as all fuck. The only book you really read was the Kama Sutra and you still only know one position.
You surprise me at work and take me to lunch. You know my schedule, minute to minute, second to second and ask me to record all my movements in the day.

I am a huge fan of romance, but I think we all watch way too many movies where someone makes a huge gesture and we fall in love with them. But in the real world, a grand gesture really can be creepy as all fuck. There’s an entire genre of movies that focus on abnormal obsession. It’s not romantic when you won’t take no for an answer. There were so many men that would reach out to me initially online and then get downright nasty if I didn’t reply to them or want to meet them. If you try 2-3 times to initiate a conversation and I don’t reply, I am obviously not interested, so let it the fuck go! There’s no need to be rude or angry, you don’t even know me so why would you really care whether I would contact you? We have absolutely no relationship so quit being weird! Below are two examples of what NOT to do!

shave guy

Yes, this is the first contact I had with this dude. You are an icky human being and obviously have zero respect for women and are not looking for a relationship like your profile says, you’re looking to get laid–try Tinder dickhead!

And then there is this gem:

total perv

I need money as much as the next guy, but nooooooo thank you! If I stay in the online dating world much longer, I’m going to become totally jaded. I’m about 51 percent jaded right now. So the next time you decide to hide in the bushes to watch me or go through my trash or try and hack my phone, think about whether you are being creepy or romantic!

The art of sleeping with you…no this is not about sex! Well, kind of.

We’ve had amazing relations and in our post-coital bliss all I want is for you to shut the fuck up and let me curl around you or vice versa, but you basically kick me out of bed because you can’t sleep with me. Soooo you just slept with me but you can’t sleep with me. I have been insanely lucky I guess that every serious boyfriend I’ve had has been able to sleep comfortably with me in the bed. Or maybe as you get older and more set in your ways, you just can’t sleep in the same bed with someone. Everyone does something that pisses your partner off, but you adjust.

This is actually a deal breaker for me. If you can’t sleep with me, well then you CAN’T sleep with me. If we have sex and I don’t get to stay over I’ll feel like a cheap whore and I want to feel like an expensive whore! After sleeping with millions of men (what? It’s called exaggeration people and we all do it), I’ve managed to categorize some of the more common sleeping issues. Most of us fall into one or more of these categories. So here is a list of sleep categories and what it says about your personality. Let me know if I am missing anything:-)

The Blanket Thief

You are a vile selfish person who probably thinks you’re the “be-all-end-all” and this shows when you are sleeping. Fucking cover hogs are the worst because I’m likely sleeping naked and in the wet spot and you steal the covers. What a dick you are!

download

The Snorer

You need to lay off the beer because that beer belly is turning you into an unbearable fucking snoring machine. The cacophony that comes out of your mouth is not sexy in any way so lose some weight or use a nose strip or I will smother you with a pillow. I’m passably pretty but not if I don’t get some goddamn sleep!

download (1)

The Fondler

You try and cop a feel while you and I are “sleeping,” but I know you are awake and just being pervy. Stop trying to wake me up with your maleficent ways. Keep your snake away from me, the garden is closed while I’m sleeping. You really don’t want to wake me up without a gallon of coffee or I will turn into the most evil, vile harpy ever!

download (2)

The Indecisive Fuckwad

Just like you can’t make up your mind about what to eat for dinner, you can’t make up your mind about  what position to sleep in. We just spent hours trying 32 different sex positions, you’d think you would be tired. Seriously, stop moving or I will break your knee caps and then you won’t be able to move around like you’re having some sort of seizure!

The Siberian

We are sleeping in the same bed, but you are so far away it’s like you’re sleeping in another room. I don’t want you on top of me, but I’d like to be able to feel you somewhat near me. It’s comforting dope-a-lope to feel you near me and hear your breathing and know that someone else likes to be near me. It’s also kind of a trust thing dipshit, so man up and sleep in the same zipcode as me!

The Smotherer

Opposite of the Siberian is the Smotherer. You choose to sleep pretty much on top of me leaving me little room to breath. Are you trying to make sure I’ll take care of your morning missile by putting your man parts as close as possible to my woman parts without actually entering me? Do you have mother issues and you’re trying to climb back into the nearest twat? I like knowing you are sleeping next to me but not on me Needysaurus Rex!  If you’re too close to me, you’ll ruin my fantasy that I’m actually sleeping with Keanu Reeves and you do NOT want to get between me and Keanu.

images

I know learning to sleep next to someone else takes work, but I think it’s totally worth it. There’s something insanely more intimate about sleeping in the same bed as someone else. And yes, it trumps sex as more intimate to me. I once dated a guy who said he just could not sleep with anyone else and so I was welcome to sleep on the couch and meet for breakfast in the morning. Yeah, that totally worked. Oh wait, it didn’t. I told him I just could not be with someone who did not want curl up around me at the end of the day. It’s really important to me.

Also I have this weird thing where I take pics of people sleeping. I love people sleeping because they have no worries and they look sweet and raw and I actually think humanity doesn’t suck for those few seconds when I see someone sleeping. I’ll bet even Charles Manson looked sweet when he was sleeping.

So if you want to be with me, pull out your pjs and plan on an awesome sleepover. I’ll tire you out beforehand, I promise!

download