What? Me a prick? I’m so sweet and lovable. How is that possible? Even the great have mediocre moments. The great have issues too you know, it’s not all unicorns and rainbows up your ass! I like unicorns up my ass! So this is the story of how I realized that I earned the coveted title. I was seeing a guy we will call Jerry. Jerry was not big on letting me know how he felt. It took months to figure out he probably liked me. During those months, it was my birthday and I wanted to give Jerry a head’s up. And this is a weird awkward thing. We’d only been dating a couple months but I thought I should tell him it’s my birthday. I wasn’t really expecting anything but still. So the weekend of my birthday approaches and Jerry asks if I want to come over (code for let’s fuck). I tell him maybe but I have plans that weekend because it’s my birthday so I’m not sure what will work. He replies OK and then I don’t hear boo for three days. At this point, I’m thinking OK well fuck you, I guess I don’t matter. Then I get this snotty text saying I can just mail back a book I borrowed from him.
And then this exchange happens:
Hell yes I was being passive-aggressive! I’m the fucking queen of passive-aggressive land. I probably should say what I feel more often even if it makes people uncomfortable.
So yes I was the prick because I was being passive-aggressive. I did not communicate well at all. And I give Jerry credit for calling me out on it. Funny thing, after that text exchange, he took me out for brunch and we went to the arboretum to walk around. It was a really nice date and now I know to just let him know when something is bugging me. So I guess everyone can be a prick from time to time but know that I am practically fucking perfect!
Yes it’s true, my dog is better than a man! This idea stems from one night when Corvette dude wanted to meet. It was a nice enough offer, but then he just wanted to have fun (yes naked fun)and I was not in the mood. I realized he rarely takes me out. I’m not 1-800-DIAL-A-SLUT for christ’s sake. I’m a decent enough looking woman with a decent body so I can laid whenever I want. Not really looking for that. Yes, I’d like a connection and someone I can talk to and have fun (naked and clothed). So as I was walking the pup, I thought that’s it, my dog is better than a man.
Here are the top 5 reasons my dog is better than a man:
She loves me unconditionally. She really does. I could kick the shit out of her and she’d still love me. For the record, I would never ever lay a hand on her. I think people who hit their dogs should get the skin on their asses peeled off with a rusty blade. And yes, my pup is so spoiled but she’s also a great pup with a perfect personality. She loves everyone, even cats. Now is there a man out there ta loves me unconditionally right now? I mean besides my dad and my very good guy friends. Is unconditional love unrealistic? No, I saw it in my dad when he took care of my mom during the last year of her life. She had Alzheimers and dementia pretty bad at the end and I saw my dad lovingly do things for her like brush her hair and bathroom stuff and make sure she was as comfortable as could be. He absolutely did and still does love her unconditionally.
She’s always thrilled to see me whether I’ve been gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours. It’s nice to come home to that little face, her whole body wagging even though I just took the garbage out and was gone for all of 30 seconds. Why don’t men do that? Because they are stupid fuckers 90 percent of the time. My ex was excited when he got home but that’s because I was the maker of the dinner.
She likes to snuggle with me at night and doesn’t snore (most of the time). She is a great snuggler! She likes to sleep close to her mom and in the winter, oh my god she’s a warm little heater for me. She’s super soft and usually doesn’t leave too much hair in the bed. I dated a really hairy dude once (pretty sure he was half gorilla) and he left hair all over my damn place! And even if the pup does snore, it doesn’t matter because it is so fucking adorable!
She likes to do things with me. I’m golden if I take her for a ride in the car assuming the end destination is not the vet or the groomers. Then she gives me the stink eye. But if we are going to the park or a friend’s house, well, she is just thrilled. We play ball every day and she still think it’s the bees knees. If I could take her everywhere with me, I would but apparently there are freaks in this world who don’t love dogs. What the fuck is wrong with you? I seriously wouldn’t date anyone who doesn’t love dogs and I am including Keanu Reeves in this so you know I’m as serious as a midget in a nudist colony.
She’s not too needy. She’s just the right amount of needy. I like to feel needed but when you go overboard, I am so turned off. Yes I realize it’s a very weird balancing act. You’re too needy if you need my attention like a little bitch all the time. But it’s OK to et me know that you do need some attention. The pup will be in the same room but will often lay down and let me watch TV or do work. She needs me but she knows I need her too and we have a pretty good dynamic in the needy department.
And there’s really only one downside to our relationship–she’s not a man. It just so happens I absolutely love men’s naughty parts. Maybe I’ll call Corvette guy for a booty call and then come home and cuddle with my puppy. Yeah, that’s a good plan!
So my friend recently was ghosted by someone that she had been dating for quite a few months and she had no idea why. She was seriously perplexed. They had been hanging out constantly and then one day–BOOM–nothing! In this day and age of the ability to be in constant contact, I think we forget sometimes that maybe it’s good not to have that ability.
I no longer get mad or upset if someone doesn’t text me for a few days. I am a busy fucking girl and I assume other people have lives too. And I honestly don’t want to be your It girl. I really don’t need all your attention 24/7. Maybe this is why I have never been married and don’t really care too. I need alone time with my vibrator and a glass of wine and a good book and you don’t need to be there ruining my fantasy of nailing Keanu Reeves (for the record I would totally let him do things to me that are insanely naughty and call him Ted when I climax).
So here are some randomly assembled thoughts about getting blown off whether you are the one doing the blowing of or the blowee:
If you’re the one doing the blowing off, you suck! This is the coward’s way out. If you bothered to date someone and sleep with them, then you should at least have a conversation about why you don’t want to see that person anymore. It can be relatively quick (like you asshole) but it needs to happen. Otherwise you are 100 percent a giant fucking pussy! (Here’s a link to one of the best scenes in a movie about pussy–yes, it’s cleanish).
If you are the blowee, don’t try and understand the asshole who’s treating you like shit. Fuck that person. Well, actually don’t fuck that person, they don’t deserve it. If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s pretty easy to go on a few dates and have someone make you feel special again after getting blown off. And yes, I have been blown off. Whhhhaaatttt you say? You Nadine? How is that possible? Well, he was stoopid, duh!
Before you jump to conclusions that you are being blown off, maybe communicate with that person more than just one text that says “FU douchebag for blowing me off.” You have to give the person a chance to respond and you don’t know what’s going on on his or her end.
If I don’t hear from you for two weeks and then you all of a sudden reappear, I reserve the right to stick my foot so far up your ass, you can taste what’s on the bottom of my shoes. You blew me off and likely because you are a fucking moron who thought there was better coochie out there and now you realize you made a huge, huge mistake. Well, it’s OK, everyone makes mistakes. Wait, no it’s not. Fuck you asshole!
Being blown off is not a reflection on you. Or at least that’s how I see it. I don’t even pretend to understand the insanely fucked up human race and I’m certainly not going to waste my time trying to understand your childish ass. That’s why you have a momma.
If you do get blown off, well, take comfort little one, it even happens to evil bitch goddesses like myself. The minute you figure out you are being blown off, go do something for you and you alone. I usually get a mani-pedi and then visit aforementioned vibrator in the bathtub with aforementioned wine. After three half bottles and wearing out the vibrator, well, voila, I feel much better. Oh I think I know what my Friday night entails:-)
Needy. We are all a little needy sometimes. I need y’all to worship me which obviously you do if you are reading this. But I don’t need a man to worship me. Standing on that pedestal is exhausting. I have a lot of flaws. Like a million fucking flaws and I like them. I also already have a dog who needs me and even she isn’t completely demanding of my time because that bitch knows better. I was talking to my one friend (yes, I only have one friend because I am a giant loser) about online dating and the women he had met and why it didn’t work with some of them. And he used the term needy more than once. The conversation went something like this:
ME: Well what do you mean they were needy?
ONE FRIEND: They wanted constant attention. I had to text, call and generally be present whether in person or virtually. I once had a woman text me 25 times in a day and I stopped responding because I was getting pissed. She was so fucking needy and that was unattractive.
ME: Well it is kind of hard to figure out how much communication is too little or too much.
ONE FRIEND: Well, follow my lead.
ME: Why do you get to lead?
ONE FRIEND: Because I’m the man and all women like a strong man.
That got me thinking–is that true? I mean I am a pretty fucking independent woman to the point where I often don’t ask for help even though I should. I’m a firm believer in help yourself first and then ask if it gets to that point. But I think my one friend had a bit of a point. I like men who take charge and I spend so much time being “strong” that it gets exhausting. Once in awhile, yes, I want you to initiate sexy time and tell me what to do. I don’t want you to be an overbearing asshole, but please do make your opinion known. That’s actually a turn on for me. This got me to thinking about what constitutes needy. Here are a few instances of needy that I have experienced in the online dating world:
I need you to send me naughty pictures. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen pal and if it does, it will be only body parts and no face. I’m not a total idiot. I don’t want those pics out there with my smiling face saying look at me, I’m a total trusting fucking asshole whose pics will end up god only knows where but likely where one of my pervy students will discover it on the dark web. Awkward! Noooooooo thank you.
I need you to tape our sexy time. Again, noooooooo! Why the fuck would I want to look at us doing it? I already feel a bit ridiculous doing all these things and I want a permanent record of it? I mean how many people have seen themselves caught in the moment of passion and thought–yeah, we look hot? No one except for maybe supermodels and porn stars because they know what the fuck they are doing and how to make it look good on camera.
You don’t text me enough. Yeah, because I have a fucking job that takes up a crapload of my time and yes I think of you throughout the day but do I really need to express it every single second? No. This screams needy to me and makes you a bit unattractive to me so stop!
I need compliments from you. Yeah, I’ll give you compliments when I feel you earn them. Don’t beg for compliments, it’s beneath you. And it makes me think you’re a needy dick.
I need you to tell me we have the best sex ever. I’m sorry but if you ask me that, it’s likely not true! Don’t make me lie. I hate lying and I am not good at it. If you are good, then I’ll blurt it out in the middle of the act. I will say things like “your fun tube is the biggest and funnest tube ever or “I only want you to be in me again.” But if I don’t volunteer that, then you should work on your shit.
It’s a rough time determining is what is needy and what is human. Maybe it is human to be needy. Just don’t overdue it twats!
Yes, I am friends with almost all of my exes. People think this is weird. I know people who think you have to cut off that person who used to see you naked because he or she is no longer valuable to you or maybe he or she broke your heart but that’s not how I think about it.
Generally, there are stages of relationship ending grief you should go through before you can attempt to be friends with your ex. They are:
Utter fucking anger. I mean you are seriously pissed off at your ex for being a shitwad and fucking up your life. In the case of my last ex, I was pissed every time something broke because he was my “fix it” guy. In this stage, it’s roughly two bottles of wine a night plus drunk texting plus crying like a little bitch.
Moderate anger. You’re still pissed but you are constantly thinking about ramming your exes balls up his ass so far they are mistaken for two Adam’s apples. In this stage, it’s roughly one bottle of wine plus watching Steel Magnolias and crying like a little bitch.
Expected anger. This where you make snide little comments but end them with “but he’s basically a good guy” knowing full well you think he’s a twat. In this stage, it’s a couple of shots of whisky plus some pudding and crying like a little bitch.
Utter fucking disgust. You are now disgusted with yourself for giving a shit about this obvious sub-standard human being. You know you are better than this rancid piece of shit and you tell yourself you are a fucking goddess because you are. In this stage, it’s two bottles of wine a night plus hostile drunk texting.
Semi-disgust. You realize that there might be a few things you miss about said rancid piece of shit. In this stage, it’s a margarita or two and purposely not crying like a little bitch.
Nirvana. You remember all the things that you liked and loved about that person and make the decision that yep, they should be in your life. In this stage, you have a nice glass of wine with that person and actually feel like a good person.
This happened to me a few days ago. I invited my most recent ex to dinner. We had unfinished business and I needed him to know I could not be mad at him for not loving me anymore because I’m so fucking enlightened. He couldn’t control that anymore than I can occasionally have incredibly homicidal thoughts about him. In the end, I think it’s worth it to keep people in your life who had such an amazing imprint on you. Also they have seen you naked so they spend more time listening to you than trying to bed you. Don’t drink a ton or you will likely end up in the sack and that will just complicate the hell out of everything! To all my exes, I learned something from you and it makes me a better person. Also, you are sooooooooo fucking stoopid for ever, ever leaving me!
For some reason, when men I’m dating learn I’ve never been married, they make lots of assumptions and generally not nice ones. I can see it on their faces–why haven’t you been married yet? Do you have a third nipple? Oh wait, I think that might be an asset. Are you a batshit crazy bitch? Well, yeah, but who the fuck isn’t? For the record, I’ve been proposed to three times in my life. The first guy I said yes, but we were young and understood if you have been dating for awhile then that was the next step. He wasn’t a bad guy but he did not really want to marry me. I’ll admit that one hurt. I lost 30 pounds in a month because I stopped eating. I suppose I was clinically depressed, but I got through it. But my trust in people, men, was thoroughly jaded. The next two men who asked, I could not in good faith say yes because we had different end results. They both wanted children and I already had my golden child so having another was not an option. Once again, good guys who were just not meant for me.
You shouldn’t make assumptions about me just because I have not been married. You also shouldn’t think marriage is my end goal of dating so I’ll be less picky about who I choose to date. I’m plenty fucking picky fuckers because I’m worth it. I learned that a long time ago. So here are a few observations of how I am viewed because I’m in my 40s and never been married:
I’m desperate to get married so you can treat me like shit. I am not desperate to get married just because of my age and situation. To be honest, I think marriage is stupid and antiquated. It’s great for some people, but not me. This does not mean I don’t want a commitment, of course I do. I’d love to stand up in front of my friends and family with that one great person and say yep, I love this mother fucker! I just don’t need it to be all legal.
I’ve never been asked to get married. See above.
I will let things go. No, I won’t! I mean if you want to behave like a total asshat then by all means do so but again I am not desperste so behave like that asshat and your stupid ass will be kicked to the curb.
You think I’m bat shit crazy. Well of course I am bat shit crazy but in a total adorable way, not a completely mental way.
I’m being male and breathing. I need to be attracted to you (no that’s not shallow, that’s reality), I need you to be kind and I need you to not treat me like I’m broken just because I have never been married.
My divorce lawyer friend has told me enough stories where I think I’m probably the smartest person in the world for not getting married. People who are getting divorced are horrible to each other most of the time. I hear new and ingenious instances of cruelty between two people who agreed to spend the rest of their lives together. So maybe you should look at me and think of it as more of a challenge. I’m a virgin to marriage (obviously not to sex, I think I’ve made that abundantly clear) and so if I ever do get married, it’ll be because that one guy was so fucking spectacular that I couldn’t help myself. He will have changed my ideas about love, loyalty and being with someone forever. For now though, I’ll keep my lifestyle because I don’t want to eat chicken every night. I like chicken, just not every night. Hmmm I think I’ll make chicken for dinner tonight.
Here’s a great article with 10 reasons why you should never, ever get married!
Yes, having a pussy is pretty powerful. I think we ladies forget this sometimes. It makes men do things without even seeing it! The mere thought of maybe petting your pussy is enough to ask a dude to hold your purse or buy you tampons-suckers! If you are a woman, think about it. We have power and because we are women, we almost never use it for evil. Well, I do but that’s a different story. My male friends tell me I’m like a dude all the time because I don’t discuss my icky feelings. My feelings are between me and my saviour–glass o’wine.
So here are some careful observations about pussies:
They come in different shapes and sizes, just like the male counterpart. A guy once told me my pussy is like a fingerprint and it’s true. I could totally pick mine out of a line up.
They all have this thing called a clit and if you stimulate it right, I’ll probably do just about anything for you (except butt sex.) I told this to a guy friend of mine and two days later he told me how fucking brilliant I am. He found his gf’s clit and did all kinds of things to stimulate it and she agreed to go to see wrestling with him. I should have been a marriage counselor.
The pussy belongs to the owner, not anyone else. We let you come inside sometimes because we love you but don’t think for a hot fucking minute you own my pussy, I do!
Pussies are better than penises because our sex parts are tucked all neatly inside. They are just prettier. Penises look ridiculous sometimes. It’s why I really don’t ever want to video myself having sex. I’d look ridiculous and probably never have sex again or I’d laugh so hard my boobs would pop off and I need my girls.
If my monthly friend is visiting, it’s up to my pussy whether we are having any fun time. Surprisingly most dudes don’t care but again, you don’t own my pussy, I do.
Treat my pussy with respect and she will respect you right back. She likes you and all but maybe don’t call her a cunt. I know lots of men like dirty ass talk in bed but I feel ridiulous when I do it and I don’t really get turned on by you saying “I love your cunt so much.”
It’s my choice for how I want to wear my “down there” hair. I might want to grow the hair into a mullet (OK not really sure how you would do this) or maybe shave an arrow design so you know where to go. You do get a say, especially if you plan on spending quality tongue-time down there. If I can accommodate, I will. But know that getting your hoo-ha waxed is expensive and quite frankly, a little degrading so you better appreciate it and I mean I’ll-let-you-drive-my-corvette-stingray-for-a-week appreciation.
Pussies are part of a package. You’re not just dating my pussy. Yes, that’s right, my pussy cannot survive on its own so you better learn how to deal with me if you want to get within two feet of it. And I think it’s a decent package so you’ll be alright if you have to *gasp* talk to me.
So there you have it. Pussies are pretty great and powerful and we should embrace our pussies and love them. In fact, I’m going to write an ode to my pussy after this blog post. Power to the pussy…power to the pussy…power to the pussy….